I used to be an introvert from childhood to my early adult years, to the extent that many people interpreted it as arrogance. Yet someone who hasn't known me in my early years would never believe that about me. My friends joke that I am a 'social butterfly'; they find it tough to believe that I could ever have been inhibited or hesitant about anything.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Yet at a certain stage of my life it became a practical difficulty and I knew that if I had to get what I wanted in life, I will have to work upon that aspect of my personality. This happened when I got to college. In my school, the options for extra-curricular activities were limited to debates or quizzes. Since we had an enthusiastic English teacher, she encouraged us to enact some of the plays from our textbook. When I got into directing and acting, I realised how much I enjoyed it. But because there were no inter-school drama competitions, this activity was limited to my school and that too once in a blue moon. When I got to college, I was overjoyed to find that they had an entire society devoted to dramatics. I resolved to join it.
I saw a call for audition on the notice board. This wasn't school where the teachers already knew and appreciated my theatrical skills. To gain entry into the dramatic society I had to prove myself anew. I was nervous because I had never gone for an audition. Yet I pulled up my socks and registered. When my turn came, my senior asked me to laugh as hard as I could. Delivering a dialogue would have been easier; even crying would have been simpler. But this was something I didn't do properly even in real life. I used to be very conscious of my crooked teeth in school. In photographs I could hardly be caught smiling, let alone laughing. And here I was being asked to laugh on stage. Even though the auditorium with a capacity of 550 was mostly empty save for few of my seniors, the prospect seemed grim to me. But I did not want to give excuses. So I got up there and laughed as hard as I could, harder and longer than I had ever laughed, till my seniors said I could come down.
In that moment it felt like I had crossed a bridge that I had always been viewing from a distance. Something had changed in me, for the better. But I couldn't allow myself to become happy yet. The results would take some more time.
The day the audition results were to be out, I rushed to the notice board. My name was there but under 'backstage'. I was crestfallen. I thought maybe this really wasn't my forte. But I had the intent to learn and better myself so I still went for the meeting. There I was pleasantly surprised to know that the onstage-backstage distinction was there to see if the 'backstage' people would turn up, to see if they were interested to share all the responsibilities of the society or only in the glamour of acting. That day onwards it was a fun-filled ride where I got to learn a lot and most importantly, learnt to have confidence in myself and accept myself the way I am. If I ever forgot, my senior would remind me by saying, 'Why so serious when you have such a beautiful smile?' And my face would break out in a toothy grin.
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